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<title>.but if you loved me, why'd you leave me? by Anonymous</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29172252">.but if you loved me, why'd you leave me?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lego Ninjago</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Lloyd Garmadon Needs a Hug, Nya (Ninjago) Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, also first time posting on ao3 so let's hope this works, but it's season 8 yknow, cole jay and zane are mentioned, garmadon and harumi are also mentioned briefly, grnflm go away ur not welcome here, in fact if u ship lloyd with any of the ninja dont interact, nya might be a bit ooc but she's angry and grieving, so is wu but only once, straight up just pain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:02:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,745</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29172252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lloyd closes his eyes, and instead of Nya, it’s Cole’s strong arm slung over his shoulders, Zane’s chilly metal palm on his back, Jay’s fingers rubbing static into his hair like a balloon, and Kai- Kai, with his warm embrace, comforting and confident and everything Lloyd needs so desperately but can’t have, will never have again. </p><p>episode 84 but make it *~ even sadder ~*</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cole &amp; Lloyd Garmadon &amp; Kai &amp; Nya &amp; Jay Walker &amp; Zane, Kai &amp; Nya (Ninjago), Lloyd Garmadon &amp; Kai, Lloyd Garmadon &amp; Nya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>.but if you loved me, why'd you leave me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>like i said in the tags, this is my first ninjago fic and first time posting on ao3. it's short but i wrote this in a frenzy while extremely tired, so forgive me haha. feedback would be appreciated! :)</p><p>title is from "all i want" by kodaline. i thought it was fitting when interpreted platonically </p><p>i might write a second chapter to this, if i have time- maybe a reunion</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This, Lloyd thinks, would be a fitting time to die.</p><p>That’s not to say that he particularly <em>wants</em> to die, not with the implications of leaving Ninjago in the hands of his fa- <em>Garmadon</em>, whose very large, very destructive Colossus is toppling buildings like a toddler would with stacked wooden blocks. In fact, he’d really prefer not to die. It would be bad for morale, probably, and generally be regarded as a pretty bad move, especially for those he’d end up leaving behind.</p><p>But still.</p><p>Lloyd’s pretty sure he holds the record for Ninjago’s most unlucky, most cursed individual- and of course, when he finally feels confident in his own ability to control his power, he loses it; and when he finally kind of maybe starts to feel at peace with his father’s departure, a hollow imitation of that kind man is summoned by a crazy manipulative girl who- who made him watch as his team was <em>killed-</em></p><p> </p><p>-his <em>family </em>is <em>dead--</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>And so Lloyd is standing alone in the middle of the chillingly barren city, unmoving. A train car bustles away from him, on top of which he knows Harumi is seething at his escape. He doesn’t care. The sound of sirens and groaning metal and crumbling concrete fill the air around him but he only hears a low buzz- an oppressive silence made up of the echoes of screams that would plague him for the rest of his maybe not so long life.</p><p>He is numb as he stares at the splintered boards so many stories below where he stands. His hands feel sort of tingly and the bees in his head are getting restless, buzzing enough to make his eyes hurt, like they're stinging him over and over. There is a prickling on his cheek where the one tear he allowed himself to shed is drying. It’s too much all at once.</p><p>He is distantly aware of his heart trying to escape his chest, a whooshing sound he’s sure is too fast to be his breath incessantly moving in, out, in, out. Lloyd’s green eyes- <em>red,<em> his eyes are red now without his powers- are blown wide, jaw smarting with how tightly he’s clenching his teeth.</em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Lloyd’s panicking, he knows; but even from this distance, his eyes pick out the door to their shared room, and Zane’s dirtied white blanket, usually so pristine, and the big Starfarer poster Jay kept on the wall next to his bunk and it’s suddenly too much to take in.</p><p>
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</p><p>He needs Nya.</p><p>
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</p><p>Oh, <em>Nya</em>, he thinks through his haze. How’s he gonna tell her it was his fault- his fault that her friends and boyfriend and brother- <em>Kai is dead-</em></p><p>
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</p><p>Lloyd sucks a sharp breath through his teeth, heart jerking painfully, and pivots. He’s dimly conscious of the way his worn soles slap against aging rooftops as he runs, runs, hoping even with his mind lost in clouds and his stomach twisted into knots he’s able to find his way back.</p><p>
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</p><p>Anything to get away from the wreckage of his home.</p><p>
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</p><p>Leaping over a gap between high-rises, Lloyd catches sight of a group of bikers to his left. He shifts his trajectory and beelines toward where he can just see the roof of a building he knows casts a shadow over Mystake’s neighboring tea shop.  </p><p>
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</p><p>His breath is still too fast and his legs burn from the strain of so much running on so little fuel, but one of the motorcycles revs though the buzzing silence- and suddenly the city isn’t so muted and there’s too much noise, he swears he can hear people screaming from the opposite end of the block, and his fangs nearly pierce through his bottom lip with how hard he bites it.</p><p>
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</p><p>Finally, silently, he jumps down a fire escape and bolts for the entrance of the tea shop. The door opens only slightly but Lloyd has always been small, and he slips through the crack, pressing it closed behind him with his back.</p><p>
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</p><p>For a moment, he’s stunned by how loud his breathing sounds in the quiet of the small shop, silent save for a TV crackling quietly in the corner, and he thinks maybe the adrenaline of his run suffocated the panic enough to calm down.</p><p>
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</p><p>But then Nya peeks her head out from the back room, alone in the shop, and innocently calls out, “Lloyd?”</p><p>
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</p><p>A weak sort of keen fills the air, and Lloyd doesn’t realize it’s coming from him until his knees buckle and he slides down the door so he’s sitting on the floor. Nya is instantly running toward him, shoving furniture aside in her hurry.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Lloyd, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” She questions, squatting by his side with a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lloyd’s heart is beating too loud, so he covers his ears with his palms, but that only makes it worse. It only takes a single glance up into Nya’s painfully soft eyes, so filled with concern, to make his eyes sting and blur with new tears.</p><p>
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</p><p>The team would’ve hated to see Lloyd crying. Kai, especially, and Cole. Oh, FSM, <em>Nya has to know-</em></p><p>
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</p><p>“The-“ His voice cracks and dies off. He tries again. “The others, it’s all my fau-fault, I didn’t stop her, I wasn’t <em>fast enough-”</em></p><p>
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</p><p>“Whoa, whoa,” Nya interrupts, voiced tinged with rising panic at his declining state, now gripping both shoulders tightly and making sharp eye contact. “What? What about the others?”</p><p>
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</p><p>“I’m sorry, Nya-”</p><p>
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</p><p>“Sorry for <em>what</em>, Lloyd?!”</p><p>
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</p><p>A beat of silence stretches until Lloyd can’t stand how desperately she’s looking at him. “They’re gone,” he whispers finally.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Gone?” Nya is confused, but he sees a new terror in her features that chills him to his core and silences his own panic. “Lloyd, what- what do you mean, gone?”</p><p>
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</p><p>“It’s- it’s all my fault, and now they’re dead,” the green ninja warbles, truly looking at her now, a deepening hole stabbing through his heart when he sees realization dawn on his sister’s face at the word he's been avoiding even in his head until now.</p><p>
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</p><p>Nya’s face is ashy, plastered with an expression of shock that is quickly replaced with irritation. “Why would you say that, Lloyd?”</p><p>
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</p><p>“I- what?”</p><p>
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</p><p>“How could you say something like that?!” The water ninja spits, cold anger consuming her normally calm eyes.</p><p>
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</p><p>“I’m not lying-!” Lloyd’s voice cracks incredulously.</p><p>
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</p><p>“That’s a horrible thing to say, Lloyd!” She roughly releases his shoulders, standing up in front of him and tapping at the communicator on her wrist. “The guys are fine, they’re out on the Bounty! I’ll call them right now!”</p><p>
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</p><p>There’s a beep when she presses Jay’s ID. She’s breathing hard, fuming, when he doesn’t answer. “Why didn’t he pick up? Is this some kind of cruel <em>joke</em>?” Her gloved fingers swipe and she presses a new ID, Zane’s this time. “It’s not funny!”</p><p>
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</p><p>Tears finally begin to roll down Lloyd’s cheeks as he shakes his head, voice watery and wavering. “It’s not a joke, Nya…”</p><p>
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</p><p>Nya’s communicator responds with static rather than a greeting from the nindroid, and she punches Mystake’s old table with a shriek of anger before trying Kai’s ID. Just as she turns to him, expression a twisted mix of wrath and grief as she waits for the comm to go through, the TV splutters with the sound of Ultraviolet’s grating laughter. Nya suddenly freezes, eyes glued to the screen behind Lloyd, and he gets to watch in real time as her anger shatters like glass strained to its limit.</p><p>
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</p><p>He chances a look at the TV and flinches just as the tiny screen shows the Bounty- their home- being smashed to pieces by a stone giant.</p><p>
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</p><p>A monstrous stone giant controlled by the purple energy of his father.</p><p>
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</p><p>Nya’s communicator bursts with static, call unanswered.</p><p>
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</p><p>He flinches away and curls back into himself when Nya’s wail pierces the small room.</p><p>
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</p><p>It’s pain unlike anything he’s ever heard before, a scream so raw with emotion that Lloyd wonders how he could’ve ever thought he’d heard true agony before this moment.  </p><p>
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</p><p>He wonders if his father can hear it from the skyscraper.</p><p>
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</p><p>She crumples to the ground before him, helpless to hold herself up in the wake of what she’s just seen. He looks up in time to see her leaning forward and reaches out weakly, pulling her to him even as his shoulders rattle with the force of his own tears.</p><p>
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</p><p>So often were their roles reversed that Lloyd finds himself copying the comfort he’d always received from Nya. Wet tears soak his gi from where Nya’s face is buried in his shoulder, green fabric doing nothing to muffle her sobs.</p><p>
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</p><p>He hears her murmur what sounds like names between hiccups and buries his own face in her shoulder, clinging more tightly when he feels Nya’s shaking hands wrap around his back in return.</p><p>
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</p><p>Sitting here, on the floor of a musty little tea shop with the death of their brothers on repeat in the background, Lloyd wonders how anyone could survive pain like this. Wonders if it might be less painful to feel nothingness rather than the torturous hollowness in his chest now, the knife that stabs at his heart with each of Nya’s shuddering cries.</p><p>
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</p><p>He doesn’t know how to survive without them- <em>can’t</em>, not without his brothers.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lloyd closes his eyes, and instead of Nya, it’s Cole’s strong arm slung over his shoulders, Zane’s chilly metal palm on his back, Jay’s fingers rubbing static into his hair like a balloon, and Kai- <em>Kai</em>, with his warm embrace, comforting and confident and everything Lloyd needs so desperately but can’t have, will never have again.</p><p>
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</p><p>'<em>Don’t worry, green machine,</em>' he can hear Kai saying, a laugh in his voice. '<em>We promised we’d always be with you, didn’t we?</em>'</p><p>
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</p><p>But Kai isn’t here. He’s in the wreckage of the Bounty, with Cole and Jay and Zane and Sensei Wu, and with them went almost everything that made his life worth living.</p><p>
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</p><p>He has Nya, though. And even though she’s crumbled to pieces in front of him, exposed wholly so that Lloyd can see every nook and cranny of her suffering, her arms are strong where they hold him firmly- not so much hugging as desperately clinging to the only family she has left, reminding herself that he’s still here with her.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lloyd grips her just as tightly, echoing the same thoughts.</p><p>
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</p><p>Their family is dead.</p><p>
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</p><p>They are alone.</p><p>
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